Personal log: Things I am doing and stuff
Topics: Volunteering, mental health, writing, informal education, seasonal change, languages, Vtubers, Inktober/art challenges, TV shows, Solo TTRPG
CW: Depression, anhedonia
Date: 02/10/2026
I am hopefully going to start some volunteering opportunities next week. For the past year I have essentially been a depressed, unemployed hermit who doesn't leave the house unless I need to and to be honest I still do not want to, however I need to start doing things to improve my CV if I need a job. I have always struggled with my job/career as I do not feel very passionate about anything and most jobs either seem intolerable or have already been replaced or changed by AI. For example: I briefly thought about learning a language to become a translator, but most people say the field has changed drastically and most translators are struggling to find a job or mostly do proofreading work for AI translations. This, combined with pre-existing depression, has made me experience extreme avolition and pessimism towards the future.
However, I have managed to do something other than brain rot myself; recently I have been taking free, short and self-directed courses online. I did some on how to study and am currently doing one on fiction writing. I have been trying to practice my fiction writing and I think it is going okay; I am not sure what stories I want to write, though. I used to have a lot of ideas but as for the aforementioned depressed I have limited creativity at the moment; I mainly enjoy non-fiction writing like journaling. I would like to go back into formal education --- which is also why I am taking informal self-directed courses --- I do not know exactly what I would like to learn, though, which is a bit tricky. It is strange to have a desire to do something but have no idea of what to do in particular, or have an idea of what to do but no motivation anyway. Maybe a languages course, as even if I do not do it as a career, it may be useful for general life. I did want to do Scots language studies but I do not think the Universities near me do those any more :( I did try to learn Gaelic a few times in the past year however I have struggled to keep consistent with it as I do not have an end 'goal' in mind when learning, or have anyone to talk to. I might try and pick it up again but with the goal of reading and writing Gaelic, instead of speaking and listening, but I might also pick up a more widely-used language --- on the internet, at least --- like Spanish or Japanese, or maybe Polish as it is the most common foreign language in Scotland. I also thought about doing Scottish studies or maybe something in environmental sciences, though I feel if it is a paid course I would need to justify it somehow... I have recently been watching Vtubers a lot on YouTube, mostly the Beastiez --- particularly Crocodile --- and Froggyloch. I enjoy the semi-roleplay aspect to it, and that so many people from so many different places are in the medium, it also somewhat relates to my interest in bilingualism and languages as a lot of Vtubers are bilingual. Most Vtubers stream in English, Japanese and Indonesian. To be honest, I am surprised there isn't a Spanish branch of Hololive or Ninjisan, or that there are not a lot of Vtubers who mainly stream in Spanish, at least not many I have found; a lot of people speak it and I am vaguely aware Anime is (I think?) very popular in Latin America so I assume there would be a market there. Though I do not speak Spanish, so maybe there is context I am missing... I am not sure how to feel about the upcoming winter. I am very 50/50 about both winter and summer; I feel depressed most of the year but in terms of season, I much prefer Spring or Autumn where it is (mostly) temperate and the daytime is a reasonable length. I spend all my time inside anyway, but I am most concerned about the daytime becoming shorter. I remember back when I was still in education I would be upset by the fact that by the time I got home it would be dark already... I think if the short daytime starts to bother me I will try to wake up earlier, maybe ~7 am. Since I have obligations where I have to leave the house and go outside, I need to have a plan in place that makes it bearable for me... I suppose I should be forcing myself to leave my house, maybe to go to the library. I do like my library but mainly using Libby and Pressreader, I like Pressreader because its a way for me to stay informed on things without getting distracted like on social media apps, I have been trying to use it for when I'm feeling the itch to mindlessly consume on text-based social media apps like Tumblr. However, maybe physically going to the library will be a way for me to micro-dose going outside and being perceived by people, especially during the winter when my mental health gets worse and I cannot live in my house any more. If I *do* do this, then I'll update on how it goes! October is not so bad, though, even if I am not doing anything in particular, it is nice to see Halloween-y things outside and in shops, or online Halloween events. I used to take part in the Inktober art challenge back when I still drew seriously. If you do not know: in Inktober, you make one drawing every day of October, typically often following a prompt list (though it is not necessary) and/or drawn traditionally. I think the longest streak I had was 4 or 5 days; I was not the type of artist who could draw for long periods and often struggled with perfectionism or lack of inspiration. I may revisit it in the future, however I am vaguely aware that there were controversies with the creator? From what I understand, it had to do with copyright or plagiarism? I did not hear about it until last year and I do not have the energy to look into it right now. Though, Inktober may be one of the first(?) October art challenges, it is not the only one! Many people have made prompts for October, even challenges for other months like Huevember or Funguary. I will not be participating in any art challenge this year, but maybe it would interest you? Month-long challenges can be good for those who want a challenge or enjoy structured and routine learning/play, however it can burn you out especially if you are a perfectionist about it. There are also month-long writing challenges but I do not think I will participate in those either. I think I may have mentioned this in a past post, but I am trying to encourage myself to watch new shows or complete the ones I have half-finished by setting a weekly tradition of watching something once a week in the evenings. For whatever reason, I struggle to finish things, especially if I stopped watching right before an important episode, maybe my mind finds it difficult to focus or executive dysfunction? I don't know, I do not want to be like this, I'm hoping that this will make it easier for me to transition from watching YouTube videos all day to watching something that doesn't make my mind numb, that actually interests me. I have also downloaded Unhook and I hope it will work, because I have tried other things that failed. Maybe I am overthinking it, though. To end the personal log on a positive note: on the Melonland forums, I discovered solo journaling rpg, and I did have a go at the game the last tea shop (classic), it was a fun and I think I would potentially enjoy it more in the future, I have struggle a bit with it on my lower days because 1) it is a new medium to me and 2) like I had said before, my depression severely affects my creativity; since solo roleplaying requires a mixture of dice roll prompt generation, creativity and improv, it has been somewhat difficult. It is much easier to engage in hobbies that require consumtion rather than creation: watching shows instead of writing stories. I think journaling was easier because it is mostly recording events and emotions instead of inventing things. I have been watching videos about solo rpg -- both people talking about it and people playing it -- and I on low-mood days I enjoy more structured games where it is more input-output kind of thing.Maybe I should, like, get into roblox tycoons again, but they do not have guest players anymore and I do not want to make an account on that site. Shout out to Seechain on the Melonland forums for introducing me to the idea on this post, and to Ayeoops on YouTube for her video where she plays solo DND because it helped me understand how it was done and how it can be interesting to play on your own!